Skin Deep

Water never proved to be much of an escape, apart from being a thirst saver. However, today I was proven wrong. When those photos were carried into the classroom, bundled and stacked into cardboard boxes, I wished that there was a swimming pool nearby, just to let me drown in them.

I was never one to fear my own face. But today was an exception. I wanted an escape, away from that photo, and away from my friends. A thought crawled into mind, was I running away from myself  as well?

As my friends shrieked in excitement, and chatted heatedly, I was frozen in my seat. I could feel my heartbeat perfectly, yet at the same time, I felt like I wasn’t breathing. In all honesty, I wasn’t nervous or anxious or petrified. I didn’t know what I was feeling. I couldn’t, and wouldn’t identify that inner turmoil that was growing within me. Who knew, after all these years of trying with effort to feign ignorance to the surrounding stares and whispers proved to be in vain when a numbing thought came into mind? The truth is, I’m afraid of how people look at me.

All the staring, judging, silent whisperings and laughing could take a toll on you. You could do nothing for the whole day and you’d still end up battered and tired, emotionally drained. All you have to do is take a quick peek and notice that look in people’s eyes. The one that obviously states without mercy or care: You’re ugly.

It takes but a sentence to make you crumble. They don’t notice the damage they’ve done, but you yourself will remember for eternity. The inflicted mental pain sears into your memories like an ugly scar, and no matter how many surgeries you’ve done, the wound would always be there, reminding you of the hatred you once bore towards them.

When they poured out the pictures, still wrapped and bundled in plastic, my friends swarmed the spot where the table that held the photos stood. There was a tiny gap where my two friends stood, which was wide enough for me to see through, to take a quick glance at the sheets of photos covering the table. Instead of averting my gaze as I thought I would, I was to my own horror, glued to the sight of them. I heard gasps and exclamations, and even shouts, which did nothing to help me tear my eyes away from the photos.

One of them must have noticed my unusual behavior, for she squatted down by my chair and shook my shoulders gently “Hey, you alright?”

I forced a tight-lipped smile and reassured her with a nod. She replied with her million-watt smile before standing up “Oh, by the way, here’s your photo.”

Before I could produce a response, my face flashed by. I blinked hard, trying to adjust looking at my twin. My photo floated midair, as I struggled between choking back my saliva and screaming out loud. My fingers reached the sharp edge of the photo, before she let go.

Silently, I stared. My twin with exact features and scraggy hair reflected my gaze. Suddenly, the heartbeat returned, and I felt myself swallowing in air without any difficulties. I waited expectantly.

“You look nice.” She mentioned it so quickly that I thought that I misheard her. Was my hallucinations finally taking over me?

“What?” My voice came out shaky and uncertain.

“I said, you look nice.” Before I could say anything, another voice called out to her and she left. Once again, I’m left with my own thoughts.

Could it be that my photo turned out well? I took another look at my miniature size portrait and thought hard. To say that I was surprised would be an understatement. I was never pretty, much less beautiful. So was what she said a joke? Or was it her real thoughts?

I would never find out, unless I plucked the courage to ask. But I wouldn’t do that. I couldn’t go through the inner conflicts and all the roller coasters of self-doubting again. Instead, I have chosen the path many before me had.  Accept yourself the way you are because beauty is different in many ways. 

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